A Revision of Rudyard Kipling’s ‘If’
by Christa Cripwell
If he sings the words to a song confidently, but proceeds to get them all wrong,
If he volunteers himself in response to a person saying “I need someone strong”.
If when leaving a room he announces it’s time he set sail,
If his preferred drink is white wine, or a fruity cocktail.
If he talks about protein powder, bench presses or how much he can lift,
If he has hidden the fact that his Spotify wrapped is full of Taylor Swift.
If he drives a fiat, mini or any automatic car,
If he loves tweed, schoffels or unironically saying rah.
If he sports a completely new outfit after Christmas, consisting of clothes from Zara men,
If he gets very competitive during a pub quiz and insists on holding the pen.
If he justifies a sexist quip with “it’s just a bit of fun”,
If laughs a little too loudly after saying "pardon the pun”.
If he rushes to get the sweets after the pinyata has been struck down,
If he says “What am I like?” And confesses he’s a bit of a clown.
If he tries to sing well when he knows people are listening,
If he gets an oat flat white with an extra chocolate sprinkling.
If he tries to give you a nickname, after knowing you for just one day,
If he talks about how he could have gone pro but his knee got in the way.
If he asks you to name a football player after you said you liked watching the World Cup,
If he chases after a ping pong ball because he just can’t pick it up.
If he puts his retainers in before going to sleep - this is never okay,
If he jumbles his words and says “bleh I can’t talk today”.
If he calls nuggets nuggies or asks for a cup of hot cocoa,
If he wears skinny jeans, it is time for him to go.
If he munches on some strawberry laces, after calling them a sweet treat,
If he asks for a drink and specifies it be neat.
If he’d be the perpetrator of “I hope this email finds you well”,
If he brings his washing home to mummy but sports an alpha shell.
If he has a picture of him with a fish on a dating app,
If, when the plane lands, he’d be the one to clap.
If he has a special travel pillow to maximise comfort on a plane,
If he always has at least one AirPod in, come sunshine or rain.
If he changes his bitmoji's outfit or is the egg in crack the egg,
If he puts his hand on his knee while crossing his leg.
If he looks everything up on Google, or if he just had a shiver,
If, when offered a piece of cake, he says, “just a sliver”.
If, when sitting on a stool, his legs are freely swinging,
If he adopts an alter ego, ten minutes into drinking.
If, while someone is making a speech, he chats along and replies,
If he has a t-shirt but nothing else on, so begins his demise.
If he walks back after his turn in bowling or pushes pull doors,
If, instead of walking up the stairs, he runs up on all fours.
Let us surrender, let’s not pretend,
If he does these things, then he's an ick my friend.